Apologies in advance for letting the cat out of the bag on this one, but rumour has it that the lovely people at 4chan.org have got a little activity planned for next month.
The idea is brilliantly simple: they plan to create fake profiles for ‘sexy American women’, each beginning an online dialogue with single men.
After weeks of effort, they will each agree to meet their man at the same phonebooth in New York’s Times Square at the same date and time.
Then (and here’s where the fun REALLY starts), the hundreds of participants will log on to an online webcam and watch from the comfort of their own homes as their targets all stand together, collectively waiting for their fictitious love interests.
They’ll probably be holding flowers, maybe even a box of chocolates, gradually welling up until the New York pavement (sorry, sidewalk) is flooded with the tears of a hundred desperate and lonely bachelors.
“Oh look at that one! He’s crying!” the online pranksters will say. “Haha! That one’s heading for a bridge! LOLZ!”
I’ve never fully trusted the internet, and it’s not just because of groups like this. Sure, you’ve got near-infinite amounts of music, videos, books and old school friends to while away your time with, but equally, lurking just behind that screen are hoards of people looking to take your money quicker than you can say “pop-up” and enough porn to shake a stick* at (*I’m informed that this is a family publication, so you’ll have to make do with ‘stick’ there, I’m afraid).
Needless to say, the prospect of signing up for online dating was a daunting one. With all the deceit and lies lurking on the web, it takes a brave person to put themselves out there to be clicked on and judged by anyone who fancies a look. Being on a journalist’s salary, I chose plentyoffish.com: a site recommended by friends as both easy to work and (more importantly) free to use.
My first line of defence was a road well-trodden: “6ft 6” blonde Adonis-type seeks woman with an interest in expensive meals, trips to Harrod’s and prolonged sexual experiences”. It was a flawless plan, until I realised that pictures were mandatory and the body-shot of Brad Pitt that I had just cropped probably wouldn’t make the cut. After much deliberation, I decided to go Cromwell on this badboy, opening my metaphorical trench coat, bringing out the honesty and letting the world see me in all my glory.
One self-effacing profile later I was in, and pleasantly surprised by what the site had to offer. Say “online dater” and most people will picture a sweaty ape-like 39-year-old, stewing in the neon glow of his mother’s loft amid mint-condition ‘Dr. Who’ memorabilia. To my surprise, I was faced with a page full of attractive 18 to 28-year-olds. These didn’t seem to be deadbeats either: the site was filled with one confident graduate after another, settled in to their impressive jobs and bursting with funny things to say.
So where was the crazy? It had to be hiding there somewhere: I’m pretty sure that I’ve mentioned this before, but girls are mental. Yep, all of them. I sent out a couple of messages to the girls that had especially caught my eye, but already I was feeling moral pangs about the ‘meat market’ feel of it all. Attraction is always going to be a major part of any relationship, but this felt far closer to turning up and clicking your fingers at the 10 prettiest girls in the bordello than the usual nerves and apprehensions I’d relate with approaching women. Equally, there’s nothing stopping you from messaging as many women as you like, and (I’m well aware this a step too far) as I sent the second, third and fourth messages there was something that didn’t quite feel right. It wasn’t cheating, not by a long shot, but something felt just a bit too easy.
Boy was I wrong. There’s a steep learning curve when it comes to internet dating, and those of you who are considering it would save a lot of time by following these simple rules: 1) It’s your first week on the site. It’s ALWAYS your first week on the site. Internet dating isn’t an especially sexy pastime, but there’s nothing less sexy than a woman declaring that she’s been online for 342 weeks, desperately messaging profile after profile in the hope that one man won’t be repulsed by a her photo. Without exception, every girl I spoke to had ‘just joined’. This way they’re hot property, and you had better get in there quickly, because it’ll only be a matter of minutes before someone swoops in and proposes.
2) Your friends signed you up. I’m not sure what motivates these ‘friends’, but from the dozen or so conversations I’ve had on the site not one single person signed themselves up. Of course not: no one actually needs to find love. This way it’s all a big laugh, and the group of girls can laugh about it as they drink body shots off of toned Italians in bars that exist only in the minds of ‘Sex and the City’ writers. The amazing thing is, however, that these girls manage to take their tongues out of Pablo’s belly button long enough to check their profiles seven times a day, or so it says. Strange that...
3) Never put yourself in the “Will respond” category. You might as well have the word ‘Desperate’ branded on your forehead for the world to see. Girls (especially) can smell desperation, and they’ll be set off by this quicker than a sniffer dog at a Libertines concert. There’s no need to be cavalier to the point of rudeness, but a bit of mystery will definitely go a long way.
4) Not all girls are looking for dates. This was my biggest misconception about internet dating: the majority of the people on the site were looking simply for conversation, not necessarily with the sole intent of meeting up. In this sense I’d recommend online dating for people who have just come out of a long relationship: it’s a no-pressure way to rehabilitate yourself to the ways of talking to single women.
I’d always had my reservations about internet dating. To me it was always the last-dash attempt at love for people who couldn’t think for the deafening ticking of their own body clocks. It hasn’t been the easiest scene to adjust to, but after a week or so of trying there is someone who I feel that I’ve hit it off with. I won’t say too much, knowing full-well that I’ll somehow manage to put my foot in it. However, as things stand we’ll be meeting up soon, but that’s another story for another time I’m afraid.
Next week: Ten things you (probably) didn’t know about men.
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